Dear Weather Channel,
I have heard that there's going to be a landslide in this nation. I keep watching your channel but I'm not seeing any reporting on that. Could you please give me some information here? I'd like to know where it's expected to occur and what people should be doing to prepare. Do we need to evacuate? Where to? Does FEMA know about this? Where's it coming? Or going? And what should I do? I know sometimes you hear these paranoid stories. But this one seems to everywhere. Except on the weather channel.
Your faithful viewer.
Dear Faithful viewer:
We at the weather channel have heard this rumor as well. We're investigating. Rest assured that our reporters are on the scene, even if FEMA fails again.
Here's a suggestion. A long time ago, Paul Revere made a famous ride. The British were coming. They didn't know when or how. But when the word came, it came by lantern. And Paul Revere waited for the lantern signal: "One if by land. Two if by sea."
Based upon current conditions, and our up to the minute radar, satellite, temperature, blood pressure, and wind information, and considering that we're forecasting a month in advance here, this is what we're currently expecting:
One by Land. (Gigantic Landslide)And we're not talking "if" but "when." You can expect the Landslide on Nov. 4. And the Tsunamis that same night. The landslide is expected through the greater part of the mainland. And the Tsunamis on both coasts. The conditions are already apparent in some states. Post Offices are reporting higher than usual activity. And local municipalities as well. Seismic activity is currently greatest on the surface. But building by the day. This activity is expected to surge as the month of October goes on. As you know Tsunamis are caused by seismic activity deep underground. That underground activity is harder to measure. But rest assured. Your weather channel professionals are monitoring conditions. Currently we expect huge seismic moves on Nov 4. HUGE! These moves appear to be gathering steam simultaneously on both coasts. And working toward the middle (the so-called "independents") Now, once the seismic activity gets going, there is no going back. Indeed, there is already evidence that this is now inevitable. Tsunamis of gigantic proportions are expected to follow, within several hours of the seismic activity's cessation in municipalities across the land. The Landslide is expected to occur at the same moment. Even low lying areas will be affected. Your only hope of avoiding the landslide or the Tsunami is to evacuate to the Red Areas on the enclosed map, keeping in mind that these Red Areas are shrinking daily, even hourly.
Two by Sea. (Tsunamis)
As for what to do after the Landslide/Tsunami events. Hmmmmm..... Do not expect FEMA to give you any assistance. Turn to your neighbors for that. Indeed neighborliness is likely to break out. Even partying might occur. These are strange weather conditions coming. Euphoria is expected in some quarters. Depression in others. We at the Weather Channel highly recommend that you stick with the euphoric element in your community.
Further Bulletins will be issued as conditions warrant. Thank you for contacting the Weather Channel.